I’ve always enjoyed the irreverent humor of Wacky Packages and Mad Magazine. I’ve written before about the heavy merchandising—okay, outright whoring–of arcade games that occurred in the early eighties. There’s a great book called Pac-Man Collectibles which I recommend to anyone interested in seeing many of the tacky gewgaws from this period.
One new marketing focus that is getting a lot of attention nowadays is all about identifying and fulfilling targeted niches using the reach of the internet and the cumulative effect of the Long Tail.
Today, I was thinking about a missed marketing opportunity which I hope someone will fully exploit. I’ve seen on eBay various bootleg silk screened video game flyers applied to everything from trucker hats to bumper stickers and key chains but I think that the adult classic video gamer is ready for something more sophisticated so I offer the following modest proposals of products that never were–and probably should not be–should someone more entrepreneurially inclined than me wish to take up the cause.
Bagman Teabags
The French aren’t known for good video games or good tea but this time they’ve outsourced their tea leaves to
India and the results are nothing short of remarkable. Introducing Bagman Teabags. So tasty, they’re almost criminal. (And they’re better than getting tea-bagged by a sadistic prison guard.)
Raid Black Widow Spray
Raid Black Widow Spray from Atari. When you want bugs dead long after your color vector monitor has died, accept no substitutes.
Blaster Hemorrhoid Relief
Blaster may be a pain in the ass to play but it doesn’t have to be a literal pain the ass any longer thanks to fine people at Williams who have joined forces with a leading pharmaceutical company to introduce Blaster Hemorrhoid Relief. Blaster almost makes it fun to blast away those nasty anal fistulas. And it’s every bit as scary as it sounds. Available in regular and extra-strength duramold formulas.
Bubbles brand dish soap
Williams and Palmolive join efforts to bring you Bubbles brand dish soap. Don’t wait for the cleaning lady with the broom to appear and keep those cockroaches in the drain where they belong. When you want to win extra points with the missus, keep your dishes spot clean with Bubbles dish soap.
Cirque Charlie du Soleil
If you’re like me, you’ve already seen all of the Cirque du Soleil shows in Las Vegas. This fall. Coming to a casino near you. When the talented French Canadian acrobats join forces with Konami’s beloved 1984 classic video game, you know there will be at least six exciting levels of derring-do and scrolling vertical game play, including jumping through flaming hoops, trampoline somersaults, walking a tightrope, balancing posture balls, and who can forget the daring young man on the flying trapeze? Your whole family will enjoy an expensive evening at Cirque Charlie du Soleil.
Cliff Hanger clothes hanger
After a long day at the office, don’t just throw your ratty old Member’s Only jacket on the floor like a slob as you reach over to turn on your favorite laser disc videogame. Introducing Stern’s exciting Cliff Hanger brand Clothes Hangers. Now you can enjoy all of Cliff’s high wire adventures with no more wire hangers. Even Mommy Dearest would be proud. Now JEMP off the couch and go hang up your jacket.
Congo Bongo brand bongos
Now you no longer have to decide between a game of Congo Bongo and hitting a mad bohemian beat Matthew McConaughey style somewhere in Santa Cruz. Once you’re fully baked, instead of reaching for that joystick, go outside, take off your shirt and join the nearest beach drum circle. With Sega’s Congo Bongo bongos, you’ll be rocking that jungle drum n bass beat all night long.
Crazy Climber Step Ladder
If you’re going to take a fall while cleaning leaves out of the gutter, you might as well make it amusing for the neighbors. When you use Nichibutsu’s Crazy Climber branded ladder, tiny microchips in the ladder can sense when someone is falling and a speaker at the top of the ladder will scream, “Oh noooooooo” so you no longer have to.
Nintendo Donkey Kung Pao Noodle Bowl
The latest snack from Japan includes barrel shaped pieces of delicious bite-sized tofu. It’s fun and nutritious!
Gorf Gorp
Before that all-night marathon to set a new world record on Gorf, you’d better munch down on plenty of Bally-Midway Gorf Gorp if you hope to survive the journey with all your neurons (and the joystick) still firing. Also good for camping and interstellar travel.
Granny and the Gatorade
You’ve played Mountain Dew Tapper. You have the ROMS for Mello-Yello Q-Bert. Now you can enjoy Granny and the Gatorade; great for when you have that deep down body thirst.
Journey Band-Aids
You might remember Steve Perry’s contribution to Band Aid’s “Do they know it’s Christmas”. Now you can enjoy Bally Midway Journey branded Band-Aids, a band exclusive, any time and any way you want it! Perfect for those embarrassing cold sores all you Groupoids get after a long night of rock and roll. Now there’s no excuse to stop the lovin’, touchin’, and, you got it, squeezin’. Void where prohibited by law.
Joust brand Farm Fresh Eggs
You’ve fought with your ostrich and mount for twenty years now so you know these bonus eggs are cage-free, if well past their expiry date. Why not enjoy a delicious ostrich egg omelet courtesy of Williams Games and the good people at Pepperidge Farms?
MappyQuest GPS
MappyQuest is the hottest new tech gadget with retro-gaming street credibility. Twenty years ago, who would have thought a global positioning device such as this might one day exist. Certainly not the fine people at Bally-Midway who had our titular hero recovering stolen radios, television sets, safes, and works of art but never, not once, a stolen GPS device. Now you’ll never get lost again but if you decide to take a detour you can while away your time playing Mappy.
Marble Madness Marbles
More fun than a Donkey Kong board game, Atari Marble Madness Marbles include actual 3D cat’s eyes and steelies, just like you remember them.
Moon Patrol Muesli
Ok Governor Moonbeam, so you think you have what it takes to colonize the moon while also keeping your colon free and clear of cancer? Well, maybe now you can with a nutritious high fiber breakfast of Williams Moon Patrol Muesli, now fortified with almond moon rocks. Try a bowel of Moon Patrol Muesli; it’s good for your bowels.
Pooyan Pork and Beans
Ever wonder what happened to Mama Pooyan’s three baby pigs? Well, let’s just say all of them made it safely to the market in Stern’s Pooyan Pork and Beans. Be sure to stock up your larder before your next arcade party.
Q-Bert brand Q-tips
You probably remember Sam, Slick, and Coily, three of Q-Bert’s archenemies, but did you know that Q-Bert can’t use his own brand of Q-tips? That’s because he doesn’t have any hands. Tragic accident involving a pyramid, I hear. But don’t let that get in the way of your enjoyment of this fine product from Johnson and Johnson and… Gottlieb.
Space Ace Emergency Space Blanket
It’s cold and dark in the far reaches of space. As you’re chasing Kimmy from one end of the galaxy to the other, you might spend more than one lonely night on the couch so why not keep warm with the Space Ace Emergency Space Blanket from Don Bluth and Associates.
Naughty Shenanigan’s Truth or Dragon’s Lair, Very Saucy Edition
This game isn’t as much fun as you’d imagine. The girls usually take the truth and the guys always choose to play Dragons Lair. Go figure.
Zookeeper Brand Animal Crackers
And last, but certainly not least, finally there’s a healthy and wholesome way to introduce your kids to your love of classic gaming. Taito’s Zookeeper brand Animal Crackers offer a menagerie of great taste in snake, lion, moose, and rhino fun-sized shapes. Cut out the back to make your own classic game board! You can move the crackers around the zoo until you get sick of playing with your food.
